I remember when I lost my home,

was in a different town and all alone.

A scared little girl, only 22

Drugs and pain was all I knew.

I sat alone in the resturant booth,

trying to decide on my next move.

All I wanted was a safe warm bed,

Some food to eat and a pillow for my head.

A single tear slipped from my eye,

Life was hard; so much easier to die.

Then I said a desperate prayer,

a plea to God,  to get me out of there!

Then she came from across the street,

this angel in sweatpants,

got a bed for me, and something to eat.

With a stern face she looked right into me;

“Turn to God when it is too dark to see!”, said she.

Sometimes life can get you down, you feel all alone, even in a crowd. A broken leg, a broken heart, a broken life, falling apart.

Remember God is always there, He won’t just pretend to care.

You may run and go astray, but if you trust He will lead the way.  He will pull you out of the filth and dirt—and show real LOVE, not just a flirt.

If you give your life to Him, you’ll never be alone again…

~written by my addicted daughter. I found this in her room after she disappeared this fourth of July…

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It has been a hard three weeks. We drove the 500 miles thinking we were going to plan a funeral.
 

 They did not expect her to make it. She not only had the endocarditis, but the staph infection was in her very blood. And it was the antibiotic resistant form, MRSA. It was in her lungs, her heart, her blood, and we found out later—her eye. It did not respond to any antibiotics. She had to have a chest tube inserted to drain fluid from around her heart and lungs. She was unconscious for the first 6 days. She could not breathe as her lungs were filled with fungus and fluid. Her urine was black in the catheter.

 
 Nothing they did was working. She was steadily going down hill. They moved her to the ICU, with the idea that they were going to put her on a respirator—but they kept holding off putting her on it; giving her a “few more hours”. They told me that once they do that, it is hard for a person to recover from that…not impossible, but it is usually the last move before hope is gone. They tried everything. They did not hold anything back. She was surrounded by doctors, nurses and aides. It seemed as if the whole hospital had heard about how sick this beautiful 24 year old girl was, and they all wanted to be a part of helping her recover.  
 
We were also surrounded by family and friends. My sister and her husband stayed overnight at the hospital with my husband and I. Relatives came by at all hours of the day and night. Pastors, who did not know us, and some who did, came to support us, and together we all prayed over her.
  
We have felt the prayers of everyone, and want to thank everyone who prayed those prayers. I ask the Lord everyday to bless everyone who is praying for us; because we have been blessed by your prayers! We felt the strength to keep going, and always felt hope in the Lord. We were at peace, and were even able to find some joy in the middle of it all. We saw the Lord’s hand at work, in us, and in our daughter’s care.
  
It just so happened that the doctor on duty, for the first week, was a young doctor whose specialty is infectious disease. She has connections with the top doctors in the field around the nation, and tried the most current treatments. On one of her worst nights, a nurse came on duty, that doesn’t usually work here. The nurse just happened to be called in to work, because of staff illnesses. She is a nurse practitioner, who is an instructor at the college. The charge nurse, on duty most of the time,  use to work at a rehab center …things like that; all working together for our daughter’s good.
  
One young street pastor who came to pray with us and over our daughter, let us pray with him about finding employment. Praise God, the next day, he got a job!  The first day on the job he was able to witness to a woman who had fallen away from the Lord, and who wanted to rededicate her life to Jesus! God is so good….and in the midst of our need, God allowed us to be a part of helping someone else too.
  
The news for us is full of praise, for our daughter has made a miraculous recovery! She is alert and coherent. They were able to remove her chest tube, and the catheter. She was able to go off the oxygen.  The MRSA began to react to the new antibiotics. Her heart is back to normal. They discharged her from the hospital!
 
Praise the Lord!  
  
She still has some challenges. She has a port in her arm that goes into an artery for further blood draws and IV treatments. Her right eye is blind, her gorgeous blue eye will never see again–there is no sparkle in the eye. Her lungs are still full of abscesses, which leave scar tissue behind. Her legs are also full of small abscesses, which make it difficult and painful to walk. We do not know if she will have permanent damage. She suffers fevers and still must go to the hospital every 12 hours for IV antibiotics.
 
But, God is the God of resurrection, and I have seen it myself!
 

Waiting and waiting. Everything is so quiet here in the ICU. I just hear the sound of my daughter straining to breathe. She moans in pain as she draws up every breath. Her chest rises, her face strains. She loudly moans what would be a shout, if only she had enough energy to shout; whenever she is touched or moved anywhere. There is a tube stuck in her side, that goes to her lung, draining out a horrible mixture of blood and fluid, with the consistancy of cottage cheese. There are puncture wounds up and down her arms and her feet, where the doctors probe her veins looking for a sample to test out the latest antibiotic. She can not speak, nor can she move. She is weighted down with tubes connected to IV bags full of all kinds of antibiotics and medicines, trying to make her well; and monitors watching her heart, pulse rate, oxygen levels and bloodpressure. 

But, she continues to get worse. Nothing is working. They are trying hard! But, nothing is helping. It is in her blood, her heart and her lungs. Her lungs have nodules of fungus throughout, along with fluid. She is burning up with fever.  She has a cathater into her bladder. Every place they have connected her to live saving tubes, the site is a potential source of further infection.

All of this started with a teenage girl who fell in love with a boy. He broke her heart like all teenage boys tend to do….and she just wanted to be a more “fun” girl. A girl who would party. A girl she thought he would like. She just wanted to have fun.

Let me tell you, not much has been fun….

A few hours ago, a nurse from 500 miles away, called to tell me that my daughter is in the hospital. She has endocarditis. IV drug users often get this infection around their heart. When I saw my daughter last, she and her friend, both had staph infections. In fact they had the treatment resistant form: MRSA. Since she is an IV drug user, the infection has now travelled from all her puncture sites, to her heart.

She is very sick and may not live until morning.

I live in a rural area, the airport doesn’t have any flights at night. I have to wait until morning to leave.

So many things are going through my mind. How my husband and I waited and waiting for me to go into labor, when I was pregnant. She was two weeks late, and I was so miserable…and then when my husband hugged me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck; I was back in the hospital, 24 years ago, hanging on to his neck in the same way; breathing hard, trying to endure the waves of pain. It is the same tonight. But, this pain will not end with joy………

I can not talk to her! She is too sick, she is vomiting and having a hard time breathing. My sister and her husband are with her….she won’t be alone. I pray that the Lord will be with her…he does that you know. I once went to visit a little boy who had the end stages of cancer, when I saw him, I asked him how he was doing.. he answered in a way I will never forget, and it has brought me strength. He said, “I was really scared about dying, but, I went into my room and prayed. Jesus came in and sat with me! He told me I was going to be alright!” The boy was beaming; he was excited. So, I know the Lord doesn’t just send help, he shows up himself! I pray that he will show up tonight and comfort my daughter. That He will forgive her and deliver her and help her………and help me and her dad.

This wasn’t suppose to happen.

 

My oldest child, my first born, my child of promise, who I adored and loved; who made me laugh and whose intelligence never failed to surprise me; this child who I poured myself into; is a drug addict.  She is the girl in this song.  Why? I don’t really know.  I did everything “right”…I stayed home with my kids, I interacted with them, I took them to church, prayed with them and mentored them. Her father and I stayed married–and love each other. We both participated in our children’s lives. We loved her and told her so all the time. We were proud of her, and believed in her, and told her so. We encouraged her artistic talents in music, drama, and all the visual arts she enjoyed and to which she was so gifted. We were there for all her plays, her art shows, her band and symphony concerts. We were proud of her academic achievements, and told all who would listen of her talents. We trusted her. We supported her love of animals, and praised her for taking such excellent care of her reptiles, and dogs. She was dependable and responsible. We taught her to value work, and she started working for her own bicycle when she was 12 years old. She even took her first paycheck, and entirely on her own, she bought her grandmother a Bible. She got herself a job when she was 15, and was able to save enough money to buy herself a car.  She went to church, whenever the door was open, and even took her friends to church. She went on visitation, and to youth group. We had no doubts and no worries about her future. She was college bound, and well grounded.

What happened?  She has chosen to reject all we have given her. She has taken our gifts and literally tossed them into a trash heap in her yard. She has sold and pawned all she has ever valued, and worked for herself. She has sacrificed her artistic talents, her reputation, her virtue, her intelligence,  her health, her security, her faith, and given all she has and is, to her addictions. She serves her addictions. She lives for them. She has given them all she is.

Yet, she still loves us. She calls us, and sees us and talks to us. She lets us know when she has a basic need. And we often will buy her groceries, or clothes when she asks. She likes to talk to us. She enjoys discussing politics, and religion. And when she is in a very bad situation, we are the first she calls, for she knows we are there to help her.

But, the fact is, that my daughter can not live in my house. We can not trust her with our things. Although we love her and are ready to help her at any moment; her choice to continue to serve her addictions separates her from us. She isn’t as close to us as she could be. She will never receive any part of our inheritance, that we have saved up for her. Instead, she will receive what the faithfulness to her addiction provides: illness, misery, brutality, cruelty, hunger, poverty, and eventually, death. Our hearts are broken by her choices, and the misery she lives. We so want her to live out the promising life she was given. Yet, even though we are there, constantly ready to help her overcome her addiction–she chooses not to stop serving it.

The same is true for each of us. God has given us so much. He has done so much for us. But, we all have a sin that separates us from our Heavenly Father. Our Father who loves us and is heartbroken over the way we are living our lives, when we could have so much more. The Lord has all we need to overcome the sin, we just need to take it. God doesn’t just want to talk to us about what we believe and want; although he is happy to hear from us, in prayer and worship…and He will talk to us…but, what would really make him happy, is if we would choose to accept His help. If we would stop serving our sin, let go and live the glorious life, and spend the inheritance that He has saved up for us! He has a home for us, He has gifts for us and treasure for us, that we are missing because we chose our sin, everyday.

Maybe that sin, is that you don’t want to see, be around, befriend or witness to, someone like this girl in the video. Someone like my daughter. Someone who needs you. Maybe it is your comfort that you serve. Maybe it is your pleasure that you serve. Whatever it is, you will not have all God has planned for you, until you give it up.